LP Secrets You Wish You Knew…. (Issue 1)

Welcome to Libertarian Party “Secrets You Wish You Knew”, I’m your host, Trish Lynch, bringing you all the LP Gossipz for the first week in June….

Sarah Daggers and Kim Ruff recently decided to take their new band on the road, first stop on the tour – New Orleans, LA, where every awkward libertarian male can drool. When asked for comment, this is what Kim had to say “Peralo’s a poopyhead! Kokesh is a poopyhead, Bill Weld – poopyhead!”

The LNC executive committee recently had a session, and the big question on their mind was ‘how do we stir up controversy next?”, in an unprecedented move – they decided that the next platform must include wording about who is a ‘true libertarian’ – but it would not describe anybody in the party, so as to be egalitarian”

In other news, Caryn Ann Harlos has taken on another job within the LP, the chair of the “Sarwark’s Bitches Caucus” – the bylaws state that all members will be required to have Pink Hair.

Perennial Sheriff Candidate James Weeks has decided to seriously up his game, instead of stripping – he has decided to put on a full production of Jesus Christ Superstar while running for Chair of the LP. At the end, however he will be crucified and will not be able to perform the closing number.

A trio of degenerates from Outright Libertarians recently gave a talk about Jury Nullification. When asked about being degenerate – Trish Lynch had this to say “Degenerates for Liberty – I’m going to ask that we change our name!” – meanwhile their opponents couldn’t come up with a valid straw man argument versus a central part of the LP. s platform. Outright is offering a Gaysden Flag to anyone that can… keep it on the DL.

Meanwhile, LNC Member C. Michael Pickens decided that Liberty wasn’t for him. “Regulation makes it much easier for me to make money, fuck Liberty, I’m gonna make bank when I control this market” He was last seen shaking as many hands as he could, smelling like some sweet dank ganja.

Positivity Caucus founder Alex Merced recently made an announcement that “There ain’t no such thing as a free hug”, as TANSTAAFH becomes the rallying cry of Positivists.

Larry Sharpe and Arvin Vohra recently rekindled their public feud. When Arvin said he simply did not like Green Eggs and Ham, Larry took the role of Sam I Am, and decided that because of the 80/20 rule, we must like Green Eggs and Ham, because they were at least 80% of normal Eggs and Ham. Arvin in a mea culpa moment decides he actually likes Green Eggs and Ham, Sam I Am.

US Congress (NH-2) candidate and Free Stater, Justin O’ Donnell is under fire tonight because he was found to be carousing with some renegade Libertarians. In a haze of cannabis smoke and the smell of gunpowder heavy, he stated he posted his bail in Bitcoin.

Rumor has it that half the comments on Facebook that are posted by LPTN Chair Tom Arnold on other LPers posts are actually the Garden Gnome.

Recent controversies in the By-Law committee, have caused a number of members to wear transparent raincoats in protest. A member, speaking on condition of anonymity, had this to say “It’s time for all of us, and I mean ALL of us, to come out into the light of day.”

The Church of Satan recently disavowed any connection between them and the Libertarian Party. When asked for comment, their high priests said “You really think we want to be associated with those tinfoil hat-wearing nutjobs? We have a hard enough time as it is without us being mixed up with The Satanic Temple, and now people think that we’re Libertarians?”