Experiment: Success?

I’ve always been an experience junkie, I’m a storyteller by nature (as well as being a natural scientist and social analyst), so experiences and memories are like food to me. I go through periods where I have really intense experiences, safety first always, but I’ve never been shy in taking chances. I experienced some major trauma when I was young and there’s something about that type of experience that makes you want to live life to the fullest. I tend to overload myself sometimes.

I never engaged in hookup culture, so I set out on a year long experiment (I also as a lifelong lesbian (I am also trans, MTF, but I transitioned 20+ years ago) decided in that year I was also going to try sex with men) to try this thing that all my younger friends were taking part in (it might be said, the average age of my friends is about 10 years younger than me, and some as young as their early 20s). However that’s a story for another time…. or lots of stories. During that time I was also Djing in a sex club twice a month, so lets say hookups were easy to come by, but it also resulted in stories that could fill a book.

So what happened when the experiment was over?

To be honest, I’m a 42 year old woman, happily single, disillusioned with both trans and lesbian communities in general, because I am typically not a joiner. I march to the beat of my own drum. I had all this time to myself and I established a long time ago, after my 2nd divorce and then a relationship with the person who is now my best friend, that I am more than fine with my own company. Independence was a gift, and I was running with it. I moved to a new apartment, one that I could theoretically have people over, and it remain private (before this I had like 3 other roommates, and honestly I am a private person).

So I settled into a nice relationship with myself. I sometimes joke that I should marry myself…. my first two marriages were civil ceremonies with domestic partnerships (Gay marriage was not legal at the time), and I still want my big wedding (even a slightly butch girl has to dream sometimes of that wedding dress). But I digress, I did say I was a storyteller, right?

So over the past few months, I have settled into a great poly relationship. With Ms. Hitachi, my Body Wand (ok, its not a Hitachi but I have burned out 5 of them in my time, Body Wands are more durable, recommend highly), and Bertha, my Electric/Acoustic Bass guitar, and I may be happier than I have ever been, in terms of where I am at regarding my relationships. My primary sexual relationship is with Ms. Hitachi, and my emotional well being is looked after by Bertha…

I have had so much time for myself, and my own growth. I went back to school for biochemistry, and I have more time to spend on studying, I have written almost enough material for a third full-length album, and the money I save on social events is going to hiring a real producer. I spend more time with friends, and go out to see other friends play music. I feel productive.

I am ok, I don’t need a romantic relationship to be happy, I just need to be doing something fulfilling. NSA sex was fun, but definitely not fulfilling… and until I find someone who can give me the space I need, I am really ok with where I am at. It’s ok to be single, and it’s ok not to go seeking out sex, just because I happen to be horny. Ms Hitachi is always waiting for me when I get home in her seductive manner, while I dream about some combination of Mary Lambert, Penelope Garcia, and Ann Wilson. This is ok. I am ok, maybe even better, and emotionally stable, than I have ever been.

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